GAME ON at Bus-Stops
Nicked the photo off one of the contestant’s Facebook.
Look, you can now see my photos at bus-stops! Have you been watching GAME ON? Every Sunday, Super Sports Arena, Ch 201, 8pm. It’s a free channel, and you should have it if you have a set-top box.
Mum-Guilt-O-Meter
I will always remember the day I gave birth to Clare, because it was distinctly marked by surprise when I realised that not only did I have to pop a 2.925kg baby out, there was still this giant placenta my gynaecologist was pulling out, via what seemed like an endless cord that was attached to some part of my body. (Obviously, I didn’t pay much attention to that part when I was reading all the books and online articles about childbirth.)
What my lovely gynae forgot to pull out too, was the mum-guilt-o-meter that has been haunting me ever since the day I stepped into motherhood.
Every mum has a guilt-o-meter that goes off at the slightest thing. Oh no, my baby is not drinking enough milk. Is she too cold? Is she too hot? Why is she crying? What did I do wrong? Did I not align the planets properly for her?
Through the years, we learn to dial it down as we go through the trials that motherhood has to offer. We learn when we should really worry and react (Take your head out of the crocodile’s mouth now!) and when not to as much (Scraped knee? Pfft, get up and run off!). We realise that we can’t control everything good or bad that happens to our kid. It’s not our fault that supermum doesn’t actually come with superpowers, except the super ability to turn into a monster when the shit hits the fan, literally or otherwise.
The guilt-o-meter never goes away though.
We all make tough parenting choices all the time, and I feel that mums, in general, are always twisted over the parenting style they adopt. Some choose to work, some choose to be full-time mums, some choose integrate both. Whatever we choose to do, we always question if it is the right choice and whether we are doing enough for our kid.
I personally choose to work. While I love being at home with my daughter and spending time with her, I also know that I will go out of my mind if I don’t challenge myself in the workspace, especially in a job that I love and have the potential to excel in.
One of the best things I’ve ever done for myself, was to take the huge leap of faith at quitting my full-time job and starting my own photography business. I now have the flexibility to take on projects that I want, when I want, and still be able to pick her up from school and spend the afternoon with her.
While I have also tipped my toes back into the TV producing arena, (and we all know how crazy those hours can get), I also know that each project doesn’t last forever and a couple of intense months later, I’m back to being able to have tea with my daughter.
As much as I am at peace with my choice, it doesn’t mean that the guilt goes away. The guilt-o-meter is still there. Everyday. In varying degrees.
A recent Twitter exchange with a friend, who is a new mum, reminded me of the days when I first had Clare. Each minute away from her, I would be wracked with guilt and question if I am doing her injustice by not being around her. I didn’t trust anyone looking after her, and was constantly checking her caregivers. Till I had to travel for work when Clare was four months old, that I realised how obsessed and hovering a mum I was. I forgot to live my life as an individual, and that there were other parts of me I was neglecting – being a daughter, being a wife (then), being me.
The sagely advice imparted by veteran mummy friends: You must learn to take care of yourself first, then you will be able to be a great mum, suddenly made sense. Till this day, it’s something I still have to remind myself about.
Sometimes with the craziness that work has brought on this year, I eat poorly and don’t exercise. And I then find myself drowning, not being able to cope. Again, the ones close to me would gently remind, that I ought to look after my well-being first before I can actually function normally.
So I take baby steps. I try to run a few times a week because I really need the adrenalin rush (and yes of course, it’s nice to be fitter than before). I make sure I eat some, despite the crazy schedule. I continue working because it’s what I love to do and it keeps me alive. I try to connect with friends once in a while (thank goodness for Facebook). I have some ‘me’ time when I watch tv before bed. I put aside some time for important people. And I spend as much time I can with Clare, with my favourite being before bed where we cuddle and talk about our day because that’s the only time she isn’t ready to be bounding off to play with someone or her toys.
But the guilt-o-meter is always there. I will always question if I am doing enough. When she cries when I drop her off at school (thankfully not so much now), I question if I should be homeschooling her instead. When she falls down while walking the dogs, I wonder if I could have prevented it by holding her hand all the way. When she falls sick, I worry that she’s not eating healthily enough. When she wailed about how much she misses me when I was away, I was so gutted.
However, when I take a step back and look at this marvel of a human being, full of joy, full of life, full of spunk, I realise that the pitfalls that I am not able to prevent, are all part of her life experiences in which she will grow and learn from. She’s a bright and outspoken child today because she has been taught to live fearlessly and to pick herself up each time she falls. I will always be there to guide her, kiss her scrape knee, be the safe house for her to run to in times of trouble, but I will never be able to (and neither do I want to) shield her from everything. And I can be the mum I want to be, after I’ve looked out for myself too. (I don’t think I’ll be much help if I was constantly in a sobbing heap, wailing about how miserable my life is.)
It’s not an easy process. I don’t think it ever will be. 3.5 years on, I still find myself trying to find that equilibrium. The guilt-o-meter is still there, in every single mum. So really, we don’t need anyone piling on more guilt or trying to shame us into feeling like we aren’t doing enough. Because we try our best (our best, not anyone’s best, but OUR best), EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
New Haircut
I love how it’s refreshing to chop it all off. Works every single time.
Journey Watch
Journey Watch is a social media site that focuses on security in travel. The website runs mainly on real-time updates from their members across the world. Hop on over to the website to take part in this fast growing network of travel (and lifestyle) advisory!
Pit-Stop
While life has been great generally, there have been days when I wish that the ground would open up and swallow me whole. And because I generally don’t like a whiner, I retreat till I spiral into this ridiculous freefall into depression and won’t realise that I’m going through a hard time till it’s too late, i.e., wishing that the ground would swallow me whole.
In times like this, I’m very thankful for friends who check-in to ask how my sanity is holding up. I feel awful that whenever they do, I unload a whole load onto them at a speed of 0-1000 words in 5 seconds. But they are really life’s little blessings because they not only listen patiently, they deconstruct, offer sound advice and affirm again that I can always reach out to them.
Sometimes I forget, but I’m grateful that they don’t.
Paper Alert
The Sunday Times, Lifestyle Section. Clare and I are in it today. :)
Mother’s Day 2010
It was a perfect day because I spent time with Clare. And yet another reminder of how lucky I am to have such a wonderful daughter.
Playing in the study with her. That’s her reaction to me being a little rough. Oops.
One of her favourite toys.
I like sitting like that sometimes. So does my mum. And my grandmother. See a pattern?
I’m glad she likes reading. And even though she doesn’t know how to actually read words, she makes them up! How imaginative!
I was trying to get her attention from watching TV.
This was taken on a different day, before I went off on holiday. That’s her being cheeky about not wanting to take photos.
Sunday Night
My four kids. I have no idea where Clare learnt that funny pose from.
Breathe
Am suffering from a major case of whiplash (not a car accident, thankfully) and body aches all over because I had three immunisation injections yesterday (two arms and on the bum), am coming down with a fever and completely overate during lunch with my dad today.
I’m thankful and yet, not thankful, for the public holiday today. There is much work to be done, and sometimes I feel like I’m standing on this glass floor that feels like it’s going to break under me any time. While I can work from home, I desperately need some agencies to be opened to process stuff.
Just another month of hard work and this project will be over. Would be nice to breathe after that.
GAME ON!
GAME ON! is a new sports reality show that features 12 teens competing in various sports challenges every week. This is my latest television project, one that I worked very hard on. The super fun bits of it was working on the photographs, of course.
Episode 1 premiered tonight, which had the teens doing a high ropes course at the MegaZip Adventure Park, knee-hang catch at the trapeze and a swimming relay.
Preparing for the show, I did try out almost all the games, which was good fun, but not so good with my fear of heights. I took a good half an hour to finish the ropes course and was massively stuck at one point, and really just wanted to drop down and die. I was swinging all over the place and clutching onto the ropes so tightly, my knees had big bruises from the ordeal. When I finally completed it, tourists who were waiting to go down the zip and were watching me struggle, applauded!
On the trapeze, my legs were shivering so badly I had no energy to hook them up onto the bar to perform the knee hang. Obviously I declined going up again. But it provided such good drama and tension on the show, it was my favourite challenge of all.
And the swimming segment was made all the more exciting with national swimmer, Parker Lam, as a guest. He had every single female who was on set, reduced to giggles as we tried very hard not to drool at his supremely well sculpted body. He also has a super nice personality, is very polite, smart (scholarship at Stanford) and is this year’s Cleo’s Eligible Bachelor.
There are many more fun and exciting challenges ahead, so do catch GAME ON! every Sunday, 8pm on Super Sports Arena (Ch 201).
GAME ON! team, with hosts Allan Wu & Melody Chen
Fadzlynn
Kimberly
Giresh
Callie
Harvey
Joshua
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From the green team (Ultimate Hulks):
Marcus
Nicole
Wesley
Terushka
Samuel
Joleen
Yves (cameraman) and myself, spent a day with other teens with cool hobbies, to shoot some footage for transitions and the show open. We met with skateboarders, a parkour kid and a breakdancer. We actually wanted to feature a BMX rider too, but the weather was miserable when we wanted to shoot, even the day after.
Yes, we shot the transitions on the 5DMKII. That camera rules!
Love the hair!
