Mum-Guilt-O-Meter

Posted on 06.23.10 to Clare, Parenting, Personal by Joan

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I will always remember the day I gave birth to Clare, because it was distinctly marked by surprise when I realised that not only did I have to pop a 2.925kg baby out, there was still this giant placenta my gynaecologist was pulling out, via what seemed like an endless cord that was attached to some part of my body. (Obviously, I didn’t pay much attention to that part when I was reading all the books and online articles about childbirth.)

What my lovely gynae forgot to pull out too, was the mum-guilt-o-meter that has been haunting me ever since the day I stepped into motherhood.

Every mum has a guilt-o-meter that goes off at the slightest thing. Oh no, my baby is not drinking enough milk. Is she too cold? Is she too hot? Why is she crying? What did I do wrong? Did I not align the planets properly for her?

Through the years, we learn to dial it down as we go through the trials that motherhood has to offer. We learn when we should really worry and react (Take your head out of the crocodile’s mouth now!) and when not to as much (Scraped knee? Pfft, get up and run off!). We realise that we can’t control everything good or bad that happens to our kid. It’s not our fault that supermum doesn’t actually come with superpowers, except the super ability to turn into a monster when the shit hits the fan, literally or otherwise.

The guilt-o-meter never goes away though.

We all make tough parenting choices all the time, and I feel that mums, in general, are always twisted over the parenting style they adopt. Some choose to work, some choose to be full-time mums, some choose integrate both. Whatever we choose to do, we always question if it is the right choice and whether we are doing enough for our kid.

I personally choose to work. While I love being at home with my daughter and spending time with her, I also know that I will go out of my mind if I don’t challenge myself in the workspace, especially in a job that I love and have the potential to excel in.

One of the best things I’ve ever done for myself, was to take the huge leap of faith at quitting my full-time job and starting my own photography business. I now have the flexibility to take on projects that I want, when I want, and still be able to pick her up from school and spend the afternoon with her.

While I have also tipped my toes back into the TV producing arena, (and we all know how crazy those hours can get), I also know that each project doesn’t last forever and a couple of intense months later, I’m back to being able to have tea with my daughter.

As much as I am at peace with my choice, it doesn’t mean that the guilt goes away. The guilt-o-meter is still there. Everyday. In varying degrees.

A recent Twitter exchange with a friend, who is a new mum, reminded me of the days when I first had Clare. Each minute away from her, I would be wracked with guilt and question if I am doing her injustice by not being around her. I didn’t trust anyone looking after her, and was constantly checking her caregivers. Till I had to travel for work when Clare was four months old, that I realised how obsessed and hovering a mum I was. I forgot to live my life as an individual, and that there were other parts of me I was neglecting – being a daughter, being a wife (then), being me.

The sagely advice imparted by veteran mummy friends: You must learn to take care of yourself first, then you will be able to be a great mum, suddenly made sense. Till this day, it’s something I still have to remind myself about.

Sometimes with the craziness that work has brought on this year, I eat poorly and don’t exercise. And I then find myself drowning, not being able to cope. Again, the ones close to me would gently remind, that I ought to look after my well-being first before I can actually function normally.

So I take baby steps. I try to run a few times a week because I really need the adrenalin rush (and yes of course, it’s nice to be fitter than before). I make sure I eat some, despite the crazy schedule. I continue working because it’s what I love to do and it keeps me alive. I try to connect with friends once in a while (thank goodness for Facebook). I have some ‘me’ time when I watch tv before bed. I put aside some time for important people. And I spend as much time I can with Clare, with my favourite being before bed where we cuddle and talk about our day because that’s the only time she isn’t ready to be bounding off to play with someone or her toys.

But the guilt-o-meter is always there. I will always question if I am doing enough. When she cries when I drop her off at school (thankfully not so much now), I question if I should be homeschooling her instead. When she falls down while walking the dogs, I wonder if I could have prevented it by holding her hand all the way. When she falls sick, I worry that she’s not eating healthily enough. When she wailed about how much she misses me when I was away, I was so gutted.

However, when I take a step back and look at this marvel of a human being, full of joy, full of life, full of spunk, I realise that the pitfalls that I am not able to prevent, are all part of her life experiences in which she will grow and learn from. She’s a bright and outspoken child today because she has been taught to live fearlessly and to pick herself up each time she falls. I will always be there to guide her, kiss her scrape knee, be the safe house for her to run to in times of trouble, but I will never be able to (and neither do I want to) shield her from everything. And I can be the mum I want to be, after I’ve looked out for myself too. (I don’t think I’ll be much help if I was constantly in a sobbing heap, wailing about how miserable my life is.)

It’s not an easy process. I don’t think it ever will be. 3.5 years on, I still find myself trying to find that equilibrium. The guilt-o-meter is still there, in every single mum. So really, we don’t need anyone piling on more guilt or trying to shame us into feeling like we aren’t doing enough. Because we try our best (our best, not anyone’s best, but OUR best), EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

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