Some Thoughts on Turning 30

Posted on 02.06.10 to Personal by Joan

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Am trying to squeeze in a few more activities from the list before I actually hit 30 next Monday. I have a 6.2km run at the zoo with my sister tomorrow, and drinks at night (if you’re free, come by Krish after 10pm to say hi and have a drink or two!)

I’ve also been thinking a lot about how my life is at present, versus how it was at the previous big birthday milestone, which is when I was 21.

I remember not being able to wait to turn 21. It seemed to be the magic number, allowing me to do whatever I want, under the cloak of being a grown-up. 21 wasn’t all I expected it to be. I did not feel like an important mature person. In fact, it was the darkest period of my life.

In a nutshell, I crashed and burned. I was dating someone who crushed whatever was left of my ego. Having dated a string of duds before, this one took the piece of cake and made me feel like an utterly worthless human being. It also didn’t help that my growing up years with my parents weren’t the best either and suffered from some physical abuse. As each battlescar healed, an old wound reopened.

All that culminated into one black hole in which I fell right through at a million miles an hour. So I attempted suicide a few weeks after turning 21. I thought back then: that at 21, if life was going to hurt so much, how much worse was it going to be when I turned 60, or 80. Would it increase exponentially? Will I ever heal?

Picking up the pieces then was not easy but one day, clarity hit me like a speeding train. I was in control of my life. I didn’t need pills to be happy. And I was definitely much stronger than that. I also knew back then, that that would be the lowest period in my life ever, and things can only get better.

So I grew up. I fixed myself. I took care of myself. I chased my dreams. I hit many major milestones.

I left my job as a Speech and Drama teacher, something I was super comfortable with for 7 years.
I joined The New Paper as a photojournalist, which was the BEST six months of my life.
I reconciled with my dad and we’ve been real close since.
I got married.
I owned my first property.
I worked as a television producer, which was such a ride.
I got pregnant and gave birth to a wonderful little girl.
I fixed my relationship with my mum, unlocking the code in understanding her.
I’ve got three beautiful dogs who love me to bits.
I started my own business, and it has just been such a blast.
I’ve been meeting so many awesome people who have made some difference in my life.
I’ve worked on some amazing projects.
I’m beginning to understand myself a little bit more.
And I’m beginning to learn to let go of things that don’t or shouldn’t matter.

Along the way, I’ve had some downs such as having my heart broken, losing dear ones to death, making the painful decision to separate, missed opportunities, betrayal, immense hurt and what not, but I always somehow made it through.

I’m glad that at 30, I am not in as miserable a state as I was in at 21. In fact, I feel that life at present is heaps better than I thought it would be. And I’m slowly beginning to learn – that no matter what curveball life throws me, I am able to deal with it and come out alright.

Afterall, I did climb up a mountain with food poisoning and came down in once piece despite fainting four times!

I’m looking forward to the next 10 years, watching my daughter grow, doing much more with work, and seeing what else life dishes out to me.

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