I’m a Mom: Imagine I’m not there all the time…

Posted on 09.28.09 to I Am A Mom... by Joan

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I’ve been selected as one of five mummy bloggers in the Dumex Mamil Gold, ‘I Am A Mom’ contest. Over the next six weeks, I’ll be posting blog entries related to the contest fortnightly. Do hop on over to the website to view our introduction video and VOTE FOR US!

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One of the things I’ve always struggled with in motherhood was the age-old question: to work or not to work. I find myself constantly swinging between extremes — from missing my daughter, Clare, tremendously, to feeling much relief from having some time off for myself. I chose to work, however, because I enjoy my work very much and I know it makes me a much healthier person to have some form of balance in my life.

I have always been aware of the fact that I can’t be there all the time for Clare, but it has never stopped me from battling the guilt every day.

Back when I had a full-time job working for someone and returning to work from maternity leave when Clare was almost three months old, I was always concerned that I would miss out on her major milestones — her first clap, her first step, her first word, among many other firsts.

I was also constantly worried about her hunger strikes during the time I was at work — she would refuse to drink her milk from the bottle, maybe only just 10-20ml to take the edge off the hunger, and would wait for me to return home for a proper feed through breastfeeding. It didn’t help that she was also constantly falling sick and I always felt inadequate, wondering if I could have done more to prevent it.

It got easier as she grew older because she was no longer an infant, fragile and tiny, but now a really active and bright young girl. The guilt never goes away but I know that I have done my best despite not being around her all the time.

Having her start school this year was also very tough for me. She was no longer in the familiar environs of family. Instead, she was thrust into the world with 14 other children and she had to learn to defend herself in situations with other children, which are inevitable. Initially, I worried whether she had enough to eat during lunch (because this little girl is easily distracted and spends more time looking at other children than feeding herself); I worried whether she knew how to stand up against the class bully; I worried if she would understand be able to do most things on her own.

I learnt to let go because, again, I knew that it’s a ridiculous notion to wish that she was with me all the time and I can’t possibly protect her from the lessons of life. She just has to learn and grow from them. (Apparently, I was worried for nothing because her teacher constantly tells me that she’s highly independent, knows how to speak up against any wrong-doing and pretty much knows how to handle herself towards other bigger children.)

I started my own business this year, with one of the main reasons being: I wanted to spend more time with Clare and needed the flexibility to do so. I wanted to be around more to experience other firsts with her and to enjoy her childhood. I wanted to actually spend quality time with her instead of rushing to pick her up after a long day’s of work and spending just a few precious moments with her before bed-time.

After all, what better time of her life to do this before she turns into a teenager who cringes at the thought of being seen in public with her mother.

It has also helped me deal with the guilt and I feel much less of it now. Being a parent is 24/7 internal battle for me. When I’m with her, I worry I’m not doing enough for her. When I’m not with her, I worry and wonder what she gets up to and if she needs me.

While it has not been easy, I’ve definitely learnt to adjust and adapt with the stages of life. I know that I can’t be there for Clare all the time, but I hope I’ve been there enough for her to know that if ever she needs her mummy, I will be there for her.

Clare’s winding down activity — some gaming time on Playhouse Disney. Look at how focussed and engrossed her giant bug eyes are!

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