Quarter Year Check-Point

Posted on 03.10.09 to Personal by Joan

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I would be lying if I said I didn’t have my moments when I go into panic mode at flying solo this year. When I made the decision to quit my job (and it was a fun-filled, decent job), it was made in the midst of a whole lot of other drama I was going through. I knew it was the right decision, but I wasn’t sure how prepared I was for the ride that is to come.

In the first two weeks of January, when I was trying to adjust to the change and deal with a hyperactive toddler at home, I asked myself for the first time, OMG WHAT THE HELL DID I GET MYSELF INTO? That was before Clare started school and a large part of me was full-on blazing and raring to throw myself into the new business. I found myself frustrated at times when each tiny step I made forward, I had to take ten steps back on the home front and it was such a massive task trying to balance the two.

Then people started talking about how bad times are with the economy crunch, and how people are cutting back their spending. Again, I asked myself OMG WHAT THE HELL DID I GET INTO?

But I trudge on because it feels right. It was something I’ve always wanted to do, and something I had to do.

I’m well into the third month of running my own business and things are doing alright. I always tell myself that things can only get better, with hard work and passion. There are moments when I go into a silent panic mode, (like how I was suddenly awake at 5am one night and spent the next hour worrying before finally going back to sleep), where I freak out in my head and start thinking of plan B, C, D and how to execute it NOW NOW NOW because I feel that things could be better even though it’s been a short period of time and I am impatient this way.

I’ve said it many times before and I know I sound like I’m whinging, but seriously, this feels like one of the toughest things I’ve ever done — being a more hands-on mum, owning a business, pursuing my passion and looking after me.

Motherhood (and living up to the apparent standards of how a good mum should be from everyone around me) is nothing short but easy. No one’s perfect and no matter how consistently good one’s been, the minute one falls short of that standard, it’s pegged to one for life. I’m not the best mum in the world and I sometimes feel that I can do so much more with her, but I know I try my pretty darn best within my capacity. The kid only starts school at noon, which basically doesn’t leave much of the day left to work. I do work in the morning sometimes, to make up for it.

I thought that once I quit my job and focussed on photography, I’d be able to do personal projects more and fine tune my skills. I’m attending a photo book course at Objectifs and even then, I’m finding it hard to sit down and do my homework. However, I’m glad for the flexibility and the ability to decide what I want to do. I can devote *some* time to do volunteer work and actually have the freedom and ability to do it. (More about that later.)

Looking after me has been the hardest. Sure, I do go out on the occasion but I’ve cut back a lot because I don’t like having to spend all weekend recovering from a night out. Every free time I have, I work — I edit, I respond to emails, I do the administrative stuff, I update my portfolio, I devise marketing plans, and honestly, there is so much more I want to do but haven’t had the time to do so like redesigning my site, and getting the word of my work out there.

It’s just tough sometimes and I find myself feeling all down in the dumps by the constraints. Either the kid is sick (for two nights now, she’s been waking me up at 6am ‘cos of her coughing fits), or I get sick (and lack the energy ‘cos of exercise), or no one can babysit the kid (and any parent would know that it’s almost impossible to work with a curious toddler messing up the house), or my tech stuff fail on me (like how my Mac’s logicboard is dying and I need to get it replaced which also means I won’t have anything to work on for a couple of days which also means that I’m DEAD) or I just have a million and one non-work-related things to do that just keep on interfering in my day. So amongst all these things that happen, I would be worried about how my business is going to thrive in months to come.

But what’s amazing about life is how sometimes it has a way of working out. Just when I am at the cusp of giving up and about to dig up my resume, I received calls which basically reminded me of why I am doing this in the first place — to help people capture memories to last a lifetime, both happy and sad.

And I’m not so scared anymore. (Till maybe after the next three months, perhaps!)

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