Taking Care of Me

Posted on 11.12.08 to Clare, Parenting, Personal by Joan

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This was taken yesterday morning. I love how we look so much alike in this photo.

So I woke up bright and early today, with the grand plan of taking my Kate Spade bag to Color Wash.

(Back story: I spilled soup right into my bag yesterday at lunch. It was like a comedy of errors: I spilled coke onto the table and onto my wallet. My colleague was helping me clean up when she spilled her drink, which was fast making it’s way towards me because the table was not level. In a desperate attempt to avoid it, I somehow spilled the bowl of yong tau fu soup into my bag. Right smack into it. It all happened so fast that I didn’t know what was going on till I noticed pieces of yong tau fu in my bag. I fished it all out, took out my stuff to clean and found a puddle of soup in the bag.

The bag now smells like oily soup, I managed to clean out most of my stuff, but my key pouch took the worst hit — it was all soggy, oily and gross smelling. And while the leather was once bright red, it became rose pink after my attempts at cleaning it. Quite tragic, I say. But was laughing throughout because it was incredibly funny, the way it happened. So I threw out the keypouch and have replaced it with a beautiful magenta one which I picked up after my meeting at Paragon today. Always look at the bright side of life, I say.)

Anyhow, I was going to go to Color Wash in the morning before heading into work, but found out that they opened much later. So what did I do? I had a leisurely morning of surfing, blogging, catching up on emails, did *some* work, had breakfast and enjoyed the quietness of the house. When Clare got up, I spent some time with her, made her milk, gave her some biscuits, and she watched TV while I finished up my food. Needless to say, my day started out wonderfully and I was most thankful to have some quiet time with Clare.

I love spending time with the kiddo. The past few weeks have been hell — jammed pack with work and other odds and ends. And when it came to being with her at night, I was usually too wrecked to even pay attention to her. I was with her, but I was not really with her.

So lately, I’ve been putting myself first. I’ve been trying to sort myself out, take care of myself, do the things I want to do, focus on work, and hence, I’ve been a much happier person as a result of it. Some people have told me that I suck as a mother over various things that I do (or don’t do), namely, by taking care of myself first. But hey, a happier mum is a much better mum, isn’t it?

I admit that I was a crazy mother bear when I first had Clare. I had to do EVERYTHING for her and was fiercely over-protective over my baby. I winced when someone else cuddled with her and feared that Clare would prefer the company of others over mine.

Through the years, I’ve learnt to let go because Clare is a lot more independent now and she ought to have other human interaction apart from me.

Therefore, if she wants to play with her grandparents when I get home from work, so be it. If someone else wants to change her diapers, so be it. If others want to take her for a walk, so be it. If someone else offers to feed her, so be it.

I welcome the reprieve anytime, where I get to unwind after a tiring day of work and driving around. It does not make me a worse mother because I’m not fighting to take care of her or to physically be with her. It does not mean either, that I won’t do those things with her if she wants me to. I will clean her diapers, I will walk with her, I will feed her and I will play with her. But I’m not going to stop her from being with others if others want to spend time with her, and she too.

That’s because at the end of the day, she goes home with me. She sleeps with me, she wakes up with me. She still does enjoy being with me and doing things with me. I know that she loves me and that she’s mine. So if I choose not to be on her case 24/7, it does not make me any worse a mother than the next one. I just know how to give her space, share her with others and importantly, I know how to take care of me.

A happier me makes a happier mother. A happier mother makes a happier child.

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